I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
