i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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