So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
