i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
