Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
