I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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