Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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