I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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