And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
