there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
