So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
