i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
