If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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