mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We need to get me chipped asap
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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