Please, let me fuck your mom
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize