My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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