last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
