the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
and you fell through a lawn chair
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize