Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No subtext here. People are naked.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
