I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
