I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
