Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
