He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
