I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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