I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
