I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
