fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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