he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
