After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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