census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
