Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize