dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
