I wish life had little blips of pornography
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
