my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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