what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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