20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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