my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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