Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
