I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
