the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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