i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
