I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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