I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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