my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize