Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I need moral support for this bender
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
