I hate your face
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
