I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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