"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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