Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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