if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
