My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
3pm strippers are depressing
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
