I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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