Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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